Three Revered Roles
by Teaismyqueen
Summary: Elizabeth is feeling the pressure of holding three revered roles. Mom, Wife and Analyst. She feels like the imperfect parent compared to Henry and it all gets a bit too much. Warning small vague smut at the end


A/N ok, so this is what's been eating my mind up and delaying me writing Accomplice. This feels quite raw for me and I am so nervous about putting it out there. I struggled massively with all sorts of mum guilt when I went back to work and my husband is just incredible, he can put up with anything the kids throw at him. So I decided to write something drawing on own experiences not directly BUT I am certainly able to sympathise with how Elizabeth must of felt at one point in her life. It doesn't go into as much detail as I'm sure you could. I sense a Elizabeth McCord Mom Files could work but that's a whole other multi chapter angsty, loving, real life problems journey I don't think I'm ready to take… yet. A side note on the time that this was set. I've had to be a little lenient with dates, I have based this on Jason being born early 2001 and Elizabeth returning spring time to work hopping she would be back for a 4 months before 9/11. It also has a small smut bit at the end (not graphic though) But here it is (my heart is thumping) I hope you enjoy my view on a typical working mum.

...

Elizabeth McCord pulled up outside her family home feeling deflated and exhausted. She switched off the engine, which instantly plunged the car into silence. She exhaled loudly letting the silent air surround her, finding it comforting, _the calm before the storm_ she thought to herself.  
It had been a long hard day at work where her team had taken one step forward but two steps back. She felt as though the terrorist groups her team were tracking had won today and that just didn't sit right with Elizabeth. She took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes hoping that it would help ease the tension that was clouding her mind, it didn't.  
Leaning her head back against the seat she allowed herself another moment before going inside. Counting her breaths in and out 1,2,3,4 1,2,3,4 her eyes remaining shut for as long as possible. However, despite her best attempts the tension still swirled around her mind making her feel a little lightheaded.

"Fuck it" clenching her fists she grabbed her bag and exited the car then marched towards the front door. She paused before opening the door to her family home, taking a deep breath of the crisp evening air. The truth was, Elizabeth had been struggling with family life for a while now and she had started taking it out on Henry. The pressure of being the perfect mum, the perfect CIA analyst and the perfect wife had gotten a little too much lately. The responsibilities that those revered roles came with weighed heavily on her and the strain had started to show.

Firstly, by snapping at the girls whilst they played too loudly. Secondly, she found herself snapping at Henry for keeping Jason up late to see Elizabeth after work one night. Henry argued that because he was so young he wouldn't know any different. Truth told Elizabeth agreed but she just found it easier if the kids were in bed when she returned home. Lately, she found herself staying later at work just so she didn't have to face the nightly routine of bedtime and again this made her feel guilty. The guilt started as a small black hole that felt as though it grew every time she allowed herself to think of her children, she soon felt as though she was more in the darkness than the light. She was failing her family.

Elizabeth put the key in the door, twisted it and walked into the house. Dumping her bags by the front door and kicking off her shoes she listened for her children. It was silent so they must be in bed asleep. 'Thank you Henry' she murmured. Walking through the house to find Henry she noticed the state of the place. There was stuff everywhere. Toys spilled across the floor, books scattered across the living room floor and all the dishes from dinner were still on the table.

Elizabeth couldn't help but tense up when her eyes took in the state of the house, she felt her body stiffen. Henry was sat on the kitchen side reading a letter from school she guessed. He looked up and smiled at her with tired eyes when she entered the kitchen, quickly moving to her side to greet her with a kiss. Elizabeth found herself moving away, avoiding his eyes.

"The house is a mess," she simply said as she walked over to the table to gather up the used dishes.

"Hello to you too. It was a bit of a crazy evening" Henry completely misreading her mood started laughing as he said "It was a child's birthday in Stevie's class and the class got to take home a little cupcake. Man, Jason was adamant that he was going to have it and Ali..." Henry's eyes looked into the distance as he remembered how his middle daughter refused to get in the car "Ali, stamped her feet and wouldn't get in the car until Stevie shared. It didn't stop when we got home; they were all like a whirlwind tearing up the place. It must be a full moon or something. I've only just finished getting them to bed"

Elizabeth was only half listening to Henry. She was preoccupied with the unfamiliar feeling of silent rage bubbling away in the depths of her. _How can he be so cool about his afternoon/evening? How was he not annoyed at the mess?_ As she slammed down the dishes into the sink Henry moved closer to her attempting to wrap his arms around her waist. "Hey babe, what's up? Did you have a hard day?" His breath was hot on her neck and it made her skin crawl, she needed space. She pushed away from the side and pulled Henry's arms off of her, putting some distance between them by moving away from him.

"Something like that" Elizabeth muttered. She was torn thinking about whether to open up to Henry about how she felt or not. Elizabeth couldn't bare to look at him as she left the kitchen, petrified of what his expression would show, so she didn't she just walked away. "I'm going upstairs to get away from this mess"

Her flat tone wasn't lost on Henry this time and combined with her actions he knew something was up. He slowly set about tidying up the mess the three McCord tornadoes made earlier providing Elizabeth the space she needed. He guessed she was about to have a shower because the distant sound of water running upstairs echoed through the silent house.

Henry sat and thought about Elizabeth how she had returned to work from her maternity leave not that long ago, how she seemed to become more distant and detached. Their sex life had died off somewhat since Jason, which, Henry could understand. Even in the rare moments when they were intimate, she had been preoccupied and tense, not really relaxing enough to cum. Even though it wasn't unusual for her not to cum in the past, it was unusual for her to not mention it. Henry even noticed that once or twice recently she had 'faked it' but he never broached the subject with her, never finding the right moment, or the confidence to. _Was this the reason she was so distant? Was he not pleasing her enough anymore? Had he done something to annoy her?_ He tried to trace it back to an event where he may of angered her but his mind kept drawing a blank, feeling unsure of himself he rubbed his head trying to gain some clarity.

Once he had heard the water stop running he began to gather his thoughts and that's when he got it. She had returned to work only 2 1/2 months ago, it had been pretty daunting for her this time; there had been a lot of chatter to decipher with her team. She had spoken enthusiastically when she first returned and then the enthusiasm started to bleed away. He turned off the lights downstairs and headed up to his wife hoping to provide some comfort.

He found Elizabeth sitting on the floor of the bedroom with her back against the bed, looking like a shell of herself. A ghost.

He sat near to her and timidly said "Hello" he noticed that she jumped a little as he greeted her. "Are you ok? I sense you have had a really bad day at work. Can you talk about it?"

She huffed at this. _How could he be so wrong?_ _Does he not know me at all?_ She took a deep breath trying to keep it inside but when the urge didn't disappear down to the depths of her, she knew it was now she had to admit her failings to him.

"Henry, how can you be so wrong? Do you not even know me?" She spat it out trying to deflect some of the blame to him. He was the reason she felt so crap and selfishly she wanted him to feel as bad as she was. The venom in her voice took him by surprise and he resisted the urge to retort because she was finally about to talk to him.

"Work is tough but I can handle that. That's me in a nutshell. Always has been."

"So this isn't about work?"

She laughed a little and her voice started to get louder as she no longer could hold these feelings in anymore "No, Henry it's not about work. I can't help but feel like I'm the imperfect parent compared to you, the perfect dad. The kids love you more than me. You are accepting of the mess and the drama that having a young family comes with. I'm struggling with it. You always have time for them and you pick them up and drop them off. I see you with them and I guess I'm a little jealous."

Henry interrupted her "Well, we can swap for a bit. See if you can talk to work, see if you can drop them off for a term?"

"I'm not jealous that you get to do that, Henry. I'm jealous that you enjoy doing it. I'm jealous that you enjoy having them!"  
She could feel her eyes starting to sting and she desperately wanted to stop talking but she knew that if she didn't get this out now then she never would.

"Henry, I'm failing. I'm failing at being a parent and being a wife" then the tears fell. Her sobs ripped right through Henry's heart and he wanted to get her in his arms and not let her go until she had let it all out. "Even when I'm here, I'm not in my mind. I struggle to find kid things interesting; they frustrate me when they argue about whose turn it is or when they can't find their shoes. Will this get any easier?"

Henry exhaled; he honestly didn't know if things would get easier, he couldn't lie to her so he said nothing. He moved next to her so his body was touching Elizabeth's.

"Babe, you do a fantastic job when you are here with them. The kids love you" he tried sincerely.

"Henry I know they love me its an instinctual reaction for them but they idolise you and I can't help but feel I let them down when I'm here. When I'm here alone I feel all foggy in my head. I read reports and work at home to escape then get annoyed at them when they need me. I can't seem to get invested in family life at the moment"

"How long have you felt like this?" His hand had closed round hers and his thumb was gently caressing her.

She forcefully blew out some air, lent her head back against the bed frame and closed her eyes. "Honestly?"

"Yes, honestly"

"Honestly I don't know. I struggled to let go of work this time. Even through the early days of Jason's life I thought about work and what I was missing."

"How long have you felt like you were failing at being a wife?" His voice broke a little. He wasn't sure he really wanted to know but he still asked.

"Since returning to work. I'm not a support for you. I am a burden and it kills me"

"Has this led you to just go through the motions with me... and with sex?" He squeezed her hand tighter and she cried again, fat tears rolled uncontrollably down her face.

"You noticed?"

"Of course, selfishly I thought it was to do with me, that I wasn't good enough for you? That I just didn't satisfy you anymore" he felt her turn her body to him and he glanced in her direction. Her face was pained "I can now see that I was neglecting you and Elizabeth I am so sorry for that." Tears formed in his eyes and they spilled over as she embraced him. "Elizabeth I will support you and get you back to where you need to be" he spoke softly into her hair.

"I love you Henry" She kissed his lips forcefully suddenly feeling alive, feeling 10 times lighter, feeling overwhelmed with love for him.

"Let me show you how much I love you, Elizabeth" Henry whimpered. Their lips crashed together again and clothes were ripped off, discarded without a thought to where they would land. They took each other on their bedroom floor, hurrying towards the finish line. Both forgetting the world around them and their issues, both escaping to a place where pure pleasure and primal need were the only laws they knew. It was a hurried affair over within minutes but it had reconnected them, it provided Elizabeth with the reassurance she didn't know she needed until this moment. She was his wife, his and only his. When they had found their release they lay breathless on the carpet next to each other hands joined. Their chests rising and falling together in harmony.

"Did you come?" Henry knew that she hadn't but he wanted to see if she would admit it to him.

"No, but I enjoyed it and I wanted it. That is a first for a while. We are going to be alright aren't we Henry?" She felt tears spring to her eyes once again

"Yes, we are going to be alright. Listen I'm going to get Erin to come here next weekend and we can go away for some hotel fun. Just us two, where we can relax and reconnect."

"Sounds lovely, Henry. I love you"

"I know you can handle yourself at work babe but, I need you to be able to offload when you are here. I am here for you." He turned to face her to watch her reaction "The kids love you, you know that right?" He squeezed her hand tighter just in case she tried pulling away.

A silent tear fell down her cheek "I know. I just found the pressures a little too much and trying to compare myself to you was a big mistake. Our children are very lucky to have you as their dad"

"They are very lucky to have you as their mom. I've got you, we will work through this together"

"Together" she repeated feeling exponentially better than she had when she entered her home that evening.

 ***This is dedicated to all women, rock on** *


End file.
